Bzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Not the same as a bumble bee

We had an unwanted visitor yesterday. A bee got in through our bedroom window, where we have an airconditioner. I was inclined to let the bee alone, but my wife and son, who both have aversions to things with more than 4, and less than 2 legs were not happy.

Unfortunately, there was no insect spray handy, and the bee was not being particularly cooperative about leaving, so I was tasked with getting rid of it, dead or alive. Unfortunately, the bee ended up dead. I found out later, it was a carpenter bee, rather than a bumble bee. Bumblebees are important polinators, carpenter bees do damage, so I’m glad the little bugger bought the farm.

At one point, my wife tried spraying hand sanitizer on it, in hopes that would make the insect decide to take off. Now being that hand sanitizer is in extremely short supply around here, a local distillery has been bottling pure grain alcohol and selling it in 8 oz. bottles. We put it in a spray bottle, and it works just fine when soap and water aren’t immediately available. Unfortunately, you also smell like a wino on a three day bender as a result. We’ve never gotten pulled over, but I do worry about explaining that to the officer.

The bee, saturated with booze, was in a word, buzzed. It spent several minutes grooming itself, and then began flying against the outside window, trying to escape, although less steadily than it had before. I swear it was slurring, to the point that Bzzzzzzz sounded like Bssssssh.

By this time, I had abandoned the animal to its fate, thinking that it would eventually succumb to alcohol poisoning. I was wrong.

It eventually escaped, only to meet its demise at the business end of a fly swatter when it took a moment to rest on the wall. My wife means business when she says “No creepy crawlies in my house!”

I Could Just Dye

Self quarantine has been harder on my wife than on me. I’m more of a hermit anyway, so it hasn’t really bothered me that I couldn’t get out of the house. Mostly it’s just irritated my wife that I don’t want to go out. She’s much more used to being out in the world in her job, whereas I just sat at my desk, thought and typed. This is what led me to permit her to dye my hair.

My wife is a veteran of mane manipulation, as she got hers colored on a regular basis prior to social distnancing. Nothing strange, just to cover up the impending appearance of gray hairs.

I, on the other hand, was content to let age take its course, welcoming the appearance of the occasional white hair as a sign of maturity rather than a harbinger of old age. In truth, it just seemed like a lot of work, and I am not known for my folicular fastidiousness, preferring to keep it short and tidy and then just run my fingers through it with a little gel in the morning to make it behave.

The shutting down of hair salons has made that rather difficult. Being shaggy doesn’t bother me that much, although I do end up having to put more gel in in the morning to keep from looking like this guy:

Anybody beside me remember Yahoo Serious?

Having established my bona fides, it was with great trepidation I heard the words from the living room “Honey, let’s color your hair.”

I resisted the urge to hide in the closet and replied “Ok.” This was out of self-preservation, because I could either let her do that or attempt to cut it for me.

The last time I had allowed her to cut my hair, she accompanied it with a constant refrain of “It looks good…Not bad…It looks fine…”

My first instinct was to ask her if she was trying to reassure me or herself. I figured as long as I didn’t hear “That’ll grow out.”, I was going to be okay.

My assent being provided, we headed for the bathroom. I won’t go into all the details of the operation, as it wasn’t much different than washing my hair other than having to leave the stuff in for a while before rinsing it out. No worse than conditioner, really.

I emerged with most of my grey and white hairs vanguished, other than the ones in my beard, which hadn’t recovered from the Razor of Doom, which I had previously applied because I got bored myself one day. That and I was beginning to be afraid I was going to end up with a ZZ Top beard and decided to start from scratch. Other than making myself look 20 pounds heavier and 10 years younger, it didn’t do much.

I think I’ll keep up with the dye job, though. It’s not terribly jarring and is pretty close to the color my hair was prior to going gray. Once the goatee starts growing out, I’ll probably do that as well.

Round and Round

I bought an under desk elliptical last week, just to get some exercise during lock down. I didn’t belong to a gym, so I won’t be one of the 85% of gym members who weren’t even aware their gym wasn’t open.

Exercise has never been a priority for me, even though it always should have been. Yes, I’m a couch potato. Unfortunately that has resulted in any number of unpleasant side effects, which I’m now having to deal with.

Better late than never is an acceptable approach, I guess, though I would much prefer to have been more responsible previously. It’s a lot harder to start when you’re not used to doing much of anything but acting as a dog sofa (my dogs like to sleep in my lap while I’m sitting in my recliner).

The instrument of torture

So far, it hasn’t been too bad. I am able to do it while sitting in my recliner (as long as I stay vertical) and can do it even when I’m playing video games or watching TV. I got in an entire hour the other day while playing XBox and didn’t even realize it.

I haven’t weighed myself yet. I need to get my eating under control as well, but that’s a whole ‘nother blog post.

Memo

To Our Valued Employees:

Due to the recent unpleasantness around our Rejuvenex (It’s Just What The Doctor Ordered) male revitalization product, we’ve had to make some tough decisions. Turning a sizable portion of the country’s men into mindless, cannibal zombies has had a severely negative impact on our stock price, as one might expect.

As of today, all positions within the company have been terminated with the exception of the Executive team. They will continue to run the company from the company’s private island in the Bahamas where you will be happy to know, they have no risk of being affected by the current unpleasantness.

We will not be providing severance pay, as the banks have all closed and many have you have become the aforementioned zombies, which is strictly prohibited by company policy. We realize that this may not seem fair, since all male employees were required to participate in the trials of Rejuvenex, but you could have declined, and looked for work elsewhere. Remember, you can try to sue us, but you will lose, because we have more lawyers than everybody.

Do not worry about retrieving your personal effects, as they have been sold off to a liquidation company and should be gone this week. Do not try to enter the building to retrieve them as we have set up guards on the periphery with orders to shoot on sight, in order to preserve your investment and time in making the company the runaway success it was prior to the present situation.

We realize that this may seem cruel, but if you work hard and pull yourself up by your bootstraps we are certain that you will be able to recover the destruction of your lives and livelihood in due time. We’re all in this together, up to the point where the executives of the company suffer any negative effects, at which point you are on your own.

Please accept our heartfelt thanks in advance for your understanding. While most of you are probably dead already, those that remain continue to have our highest esteem and regards for the sacrifices you have made, albeit unwillingly.

Sincerely,

The Executive Team

It’s Been One Week…

Well, almost one week. I am keeping to a daily to do list at least:

  1. Wake up
  2. Go back to bed because I didn’t sleep all that well
  3. Get up again
  4. Clean up and wonder who that shaggy guy is in the mirror
  5. Eat breakfast
  6. Check email
  7. Watch the news
  8. Turn off the news because it’s too depressing
  9. Check email
  10. Read Facebook
  11. Write Linked In post
  12. Write blog post
  13. Take a Udemy class
  14. Let the dogs sleep on my lap while taking said Udemy Class
  15. Take phone calls from recruiters
  16. Let dogs outside
  17. Let dogs inside
  18. Eat lunch
  19. Read a book or watch TV
  20. Take more calls from recruiters
  21. Make more phone calls
  22. Let dogs outside
  23. Yell at dogs for barking at squirrel in backyard
  24. Let dogs inside
  25. Take a nap
  26. Work on the Udemy class
  27. Let the dogs in after my son took them out
  28. Play half an hour of XBox
  29. Eat dinner
  30. let the dogs out
  31. Yell at my son to let the dogs in
  32. Watch TV
  33. Evening pre-bed routine
  34. turn on ambient music to go to sleep
  35. Sleep.