Verse

A Husband’s Plea
I looked for my keys, my socks and my coat
with not even a hint of success
“Honey!” I yelled, as I stumbled about
informing her of my distress
.
“Where’s this, and where’s that?” I whined at her while
she was trying to diaper our son
My day was off to an ominous start
while hers had just barely begun
.
She said with a glare, “Your socks are right there!
Laid on top of that library book!
Your keys, you dumb boob, are there in your hand
Your coat is hung up on that hook!”
.
I looked all about, it was as she said
every item was there in its place
I picked them all up and headed to work
Embarrasment showed on my face
.
So donate today! Without any delay.
You would do us all a great kindness
We’ll use it to find our wives’ dearest dream
a cure for Male Pattern Blindness.

Layoffs
My heart is filled with sadness
for laid off friends I’ve lost
those hurt by profit’s madness
never bosses, just the bossed

Where are those left working
What were the net effects?
They all feel terror lurking
Fearing daily that they’re next.

To Dr. Seuss
Theodore Geissel, friend of my youth
provider of wisdom, laughter and truth
Yertle the Turtle, the Cat in the Hat
The Grinch and the Lorax and creatures like that
all taught me lessons I’ll never forget
and I thank the good doc I ain’t forgotten them yet
Strangely named felines and odd colored fishes
If I ran the circus and other fun wishes
they led me to wonder about what I would be
when I got much older like a hundred and three
Would I ever like Green Eggs and Ham
Would I ever dislike that Sam I Am?
I found that the world was a funnier place
And his stories put many a smile on my face
And now I’m grown up and have kids of my own
and I read the good doc when I have them at home
and pass on the lessons I learned at his knee
though I’m not that much older just thirty and three

A Tribute To Rubens
The greatest joy that I have found
is women who are soft and round
Not slender, lithe, or very lean
their beauty’s very rarely seen

Because they are not model types
(Like you might see with Wesley Snipes)
Their beauty lies below the skin
The best of them lies deep within

Down deep, where only brave souls go
that’s the part I’ve come to know
And when they love, they love so well
More than that I shall not tell

For if I did, then all would see
without as many left for me
I admit that tis not fair
but I’m just not inclined to share

I want them all, or one or two
Okay, just one would really do
And so, without a lot of mush
I say I like my women plush.

Excuse me?
Excuse me, but would you mind
repeating what I just said?
I wasn’t listening
my mind was taken on the wind
abducted like a maple seed
whirling round and round
to land somewhere other
than where we started

Pick up my thoughts,
bring them back to me
in tangled branchy bundles
so that I might start again
and hope that the wind
won’t blow and I will
take root, and stay right here
in this moment, with you

Plumber’s Helper
Wilbur went to trade school
and learned the plumbing craft
but when he sought employment
well, the hiring man just laughed.

“I’m sorry guy!,” he chortled
as tears streamed down his cheeks
you just don’t fit our image
of a guy who fixes leaks.”

Well Will was disappointed
but he weren’t the kind of guy
who’d lie down and surrender
without another try.

So he tried another office
the folks to clean out drains
and brought his grades from trade school
so they’d know that he had brains

But they showed him to the exit
didn’t give him time to talk
They said “You’ll never make it.
Hit the highway, take a walk!”

Wilbur called his teacher
who had taught him all he knew
The teacher said, “I’m sorry,
there’s nothing I can do.”

“You see, poor Will, you’re crippled
you have a certain lack
your pants don’t droop the way
they’re supposed to, in the back”

“Without rear cleavage showing
I think you’ll have to see
you just can’t be a plumber
It really shouldn’t be.”

Wilbur understood now
the thing that wasn’t mentioned
in any of his textbooks
or at plumber’s tool conventions

So he went down to his basement
and worked both day and night
on a lifesaving invention
until he got it right

Then, at a yearly trade show
he showed what he had done
to all the shopping plumbers
his booth was overrun

The plumbers said, “It’s crazy
but you know, it just might work!”
“It’s a plumbing revolution!
The craft will go berserk!”

No more will trade school graduates
whose pants stay up, be banned
from doing what they want to
cause they’re lean and fit and tanned

What was Will’s discovery?
What made him such a hit?
He came up with a product
for those whose pants still fit.

It drags the rear end lower
so the line between is bare
and the top half of the backside
is hanging out right there.

Now Willie is worth millions
and is in his chosen field
and the happiness that Willie feels
is not to be concealed.

So understand one lesson
that you’d do well to take to heart
sometimes, just to get a chance,
you have to look the part.

Computer Geeks
In the world’s population of kooks and freaks
lies the twilight zone of computer geeks
They don’t have much grooming, their hair is unkempt
Their clothes look like something in which they have slept

Their homes filled with hardware, you’ll find no other
unless their still living at home with their mother
The rooms are all messy with things piled high
and boxes of software stacked up to the sky

The fridge is quite empty, if it’s food that you seek
except for cold pizza from dinner last week
or maybe a bucket of moldy Chinese
and a gallon of milk slowly turning to cheese

They don’t go to parties or socialize
for it’s mostly people they’ve come to despise
Computers don’t make fun nor do they reject
nor do they have motives that one might suspect

Computers just are, and they do what you say
they don’t have feelings to get in the way
No ego to damage no debts to be paid
When things start to sour just go and upgrade

And suddenly everythings shiny and new
too bad people don’t work like that too.
But that’s why they’re sitting at home all alone
with no outside contact except for the phone

Typing e-mail to people they never will meet
and who would most likely shudder if met in the street
Cyberspace their dominion where they feel like kings
with total control over most everything

Bill Gates is their hero or maybe their god
one of their own that made a big wad
and found true romance by being worth billions
giving hope to the rest of the sad geeky millions

A Dog’s Life
I went to the park, took my dog for a jog
bided my time while he watered a log

We walked for a bit. He was sniffing the ground
snorting and snuffling over smells that he found

Then we met a nice lady and her dog and mine
sniffed tails while I struggled to think of a line

Somthing witty and suave that would make her respond
but nothing would come so we had to move on

It seemed like my dog had it good, for a guy
no trips to the movies no dinners to buy

Just walk up to the girl and give a quick sniff
if she smells like she’s ready then it’s done in a jiff

Then I started to wonder sitting there in the shade
If I had the best deal cause my dog had it made

It was then that it hit me like a bolt from the blue
What if people said “Hi” the way our canine friends do?

The people from Hanes and then Fruit of the Loom
would go out of business their livelihood doomed

Makers of blue jeans would need new designs
with a hole in the back to expose one’s behind

So I pondered some more and we walked for a bit
while he circled a tree and then took a quick shit

And then he got comfy he got down to cases
started licking himself in some awkward type places

That’s when I decided to let the thought pass
I may flunk with girls but I don’t lick my ass

Rugs
I’d like to spend some time with you
alone on a bare-skinned rug
There would be just room for two
to love and kiss and hug

It could be an old remnant
of shag that’s out of style
but if you’re there, in your bare skin
it’s sure to make me smile

Or maybe it’s a berber
with a pile that’s kinda short
and we’ll have to watch for rugburns
and hazards of that sort

An Epicure For What Ails You
My mother tried to poison me with sweetbreads, tongue, and liver
For meals involving organ meats, I never will forgive her.
Just like foods that gourmets like seem really unappealing.
Like escargot and goose paté, or aspic that’s congealing.

Life is much the same, I’ve found. The things that look the worst,
are rarely as atrocious as they appear at first.
Perhaps, I should approach my life just like a gourmet cook,
with hope that things are tastier the nastier they look.

Guts
We say that those who’re brave or tough
the ones who go when it gets rough
have guts to spare, That’s what we say
when asked to comment on the fray

Me, I’d like to have no guts
I say this with no ifs or buts
For my intestines just make noise
which make it hard to have much poise

When interviewing for a job
they make me out to be a slob
a gurgle here, a grumble there
as they shift great gusts of air

It’s certainly no picnic lunch
to have one’s entrails in a bunch
They tend to make one’s forehead damp
when knotted hard into a cramp

The alternative to this mess
is going in for lots of tests
The worse of these, I’m sure you’ll see
is known as colonoscopy.

Never Say Diet
“Your belly’s too big.” said my doctor one day
as he poked at and prodded my gut
“Your flab has got flab of it’s own, my dear boy!
Not to mention your prominent butt!”

I thought for a moment, before I replied
“How much weight are we talkin’ bout, doc?”
He answered, “I hope that I’m not being snide
but I’ve purchased more Weight Watcher’s stock”

I had to agree that the scale didn’t lie
though ignoring it worked for a while
I gave a deep sigh, said I’d give it a try
thus beginning my seven month trial.

I ate cabbage soup till my hair turned pale green
I drank Slim Fast in cups, pints and quarts
Richard Simmons came by, but he just made me cry
He wedgied my exercise shorts!

There was Tae Bo and Yoga and seven day fasts
to shed all the pounds that I’d gained
Repeated colonics and various tonics
Left me weary and bleary and drained

But finally I lost all the weight that I gained
And I’m feeling much lighter than air
I’m feeling my best as I start a new quest
I’m regrowing a full head of hair

The Ballad of the Unmatched Socks
When dressing in the morning,
moving fast to beat the clock,
Invariably I’m faced with
the curse of just one sock

It seems they’re never matching
I never find a pair
but lately I am finding
I have hangers everywhere!

Perhaps down in the laundry
They combine their DNA
And meld with one another
As in the piles they lay

They breed with all the keychains
TV remotes and glasses
Joined with other members of the
Hard to locate classes

Thongs
Thongs are a kind of lingerie
in styles that are abundant
but mostly, I think thongs just make
a wedgie seem redundant

The Economics of Poetry
Some write poetry for love
Some write it to be funny
But rarely will you meet someone
Who’s written it for money.

The Cost of Piracy
I am a fearsome pirate
I fill men’s hearts with fear
My head’s price? 2 dollars.
I am a buck an ear

I Have A Code In My Node
My sinuses are stuffy
I’m tired and out of sorts
I’ve been taking steamy showers
and drunk Nyquil by the quarts

There’s tissues by the boxful
scattered out around the floor
and I’m praying that I’ll die soon
I can’t take it any more

I cough instead of sleeping
my nose is red and raw
I don’t mean to be a whiner
but there oughta be a law

Or perhaps instead of prison
Make criminals this sick
they’d be too busy sneezing
for any dirty tricks

And frankly if I had to choose
“Keep your cold or get the Chair!”
I’d tell them to just strap me down
and throw the switch right there

I know that I’ll get better
and my breathing will be free
I won’t die from all the coughing
it’s the wait that’s killing me.

Hot Roast Beef
I went downtown the other day
to get some lunch at Bill’s Cafe
But what I saw just brought me grief
‘Cuz they’d run out of Hot Roast Beef

(Chorus)
Hot Roast Beef
Hot Roast Beef
Bits of gristle in my teeth
It’s a treat beyond belief
when I can eat that Hot Roast Beef

Some Hot Roast Beef and white bread too
and gravy thick as Elmer’s Glue
Mashed potatoes served up hot
and scalding coffee in a pot

Apple pie is for dessert
There’s gravy stains all down your shirt
When the wife does wash, she’ll have a hunch
Did you have Hot Roast Beef for lunch?

(Chorus)

It’s Midwest soul food on a plate
so hurry up and don’t be late
If you’re real hungry, here’s relief
just eat a plate of Hot Roast Beef