Weighing In

My wife has informed me that she wants to see a lot less of me. She doesn’t want a divorce, she wants me to lose weight so I’ll be healthier. I’ve needed to do this for a long time, as I am beyond being merely obese.

I joined Weight Watchers yesterday and am committing myself to at least 30 minutes on my floor elliptical every day, or to take one of the 3 furkids for a walk.

I did remind me of the following:

Never Say Diet

“Your belly’s too big.” said my doctor one day
as he poked at and prodded my gut
“Your flab has got flab of it’s own, my dear boy!
Not to mention your prominent butt!”

I thought for a moment, before I replied
“How much weight are we talkin’ bout, doc?”
He answered, “I hope that I’m not being snide
but I’ve purchased more Weight Watcher’s stock”

I had to agree that the scale didn’t lie
though ignoring it worked for a while
I gave a deep sigh, said I’d give it a try
thus beginning my seven month trial.

I ate cabbage soup till my hair turned pale green
I drank Slim Fast in cups, pints and quarts
Richard Simmons came by, but he just made me cry
He wedgied my exercise shorts!

There was Zumba and Yoga and seven day fasts
to shed all the pounds that I’d gained
Repeated colonics and various tonics
Left me weary and bleary and drained

But finally I lost all the weight I’d put on
And I’m feeling much lighter than air
I’m looking my best as I start a new quest
I’m regrowing a full head of hair

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